David Jett Explains Temu
People need crap. That's why I write.
When covid first hit, I worked from home for many months. I barely left the house except for groceries. Suddenly, I wasn’t doing any of my normal activities. No going out to eat, no going to bars, no going to concerts, no going to movies, no going to the gym. (it’s true, during covid I never went to the gym. I never went to the gym before covid but let’s not get sidetracked.) I wasn’t spending the kind of money I would normally spend, and I was bored. So, I started ordering shit from Amazon. That poor driver was at my house nearly every other day. Before covid, I owned three to four pairs of shoes. I now own over 20. “Do I really need that” became “covid quarantine says order anything you want.”
My mother and grandmother were avid shoppers. This pair of Edith Bunkers would hit every sale, every new store, every old store, just looking for…I don’t know what the hell they were looking for. But they sure as shit were out there looking. When I was a kid, my family, including my grandmother, made a trip to St. Louis to visit relatives. Obviously, my mother and grandmother were going out shopping at stores we didn’t have where we lived. One of those stores which hadn’t yet made it to our city was Target. The problem was they didn’t exactly know where it was. Remember, back in those days there was no GPS or internet or cars with navigation. We drove around and periodically they would pull into a parking lot to ask a random stranger if they knew how to get to the store. (this seems like it would be dangerous today. It wasn’t then.) The main problem was they misremembered the name of the store and careened around STL asking bewildered passers-by if they knew how to get to the Bullet, a name more appropriate for a store in East St. Louis.
Before there was such a thing as the internet, and on-line shopping, you could sit your lazy ass at home and flip through mail-order catalogues. My mother and grandmother’s absolute favorite was Fingerhut, purveyors of the biggest collection of junk you have ever seen. When Christmas rolled around, the kids were sure to get something from Fingerhut. Started by brothers William and Manny Fingerhut (yeah, that’s right) Fingerhut was originally created to sell automobile covers to car owners across the country. Using their marketing prowess by mailing their jam-packed catalogues to every housewife in America, the brothers grew their company from selling seat covers to somehow compelling my mother to buy a cow-shaped butter dish she didn’t need.
And speaking of things you don’t need – ladies and gentlemen, here’s Temu.
Temu is an on-line shopping company owned by the Chinese company PDD Holdings, a commerce group registered in the Cayman Islands with its main office in Dublin. That all sounds shady as fuck. Between the one-two punch of Temu and TikTok, China is Invasion of the Body Snatchering both the teens and the grandmas.
The juggernaut known as Temu hit the US in 2022 and rapidly ensconced itself into the lives of people who wanted to get on their phones and impulse buy things that were cheap, both in quality as well as price. That’s what I understood Temu to be: a place to buy crap but at least you didn’t pay much for it. It’s the same concept as picking up a street hooker at 7 in the morning.
Temu ads started popping up in my social media feeds. I’m pretty good at ignoring ads, but one item caught my eye. It was so incredibly stupid (and cheaply made, I’m sure.) I started thinking about finally downloading the Temu app. I resisted for so long. But this item…have I told you it was incredibly stupid? I knew I had to have it if only for the entertainment value. (don’t worry, I’ll show it to you later.)
The Temu app itself is a total circus. It’s like looking through the Fingerhut catalogue at super speed like you were The Flash. More pop ups than a Bluechew-powered circle jerk. If Temu could speak, this is what it would sound like “HEY, YOU’RE BACK!!! SPIN THIS WHEEL TO GET A DEAL!! DO YOU WANT 70% OFF??!! OH, SHIT, WE FORGOT! WE HAVE A SPECIAL GIFT FOR YOU!! DO YOU WANT IT!! ALSO, YOU ONLY HAVE 5 MINUTES TO DECIDE!! AND WE’LL PUT THIS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON SCREEN FOR YOU!! HAVE YOU BOUGHT ANYTHING YET? HERE’S THAT THING YOU LOOKED AT YESTERDAY!! BUY IT, YOU SAD SACK OF WEASEL DICKS!! OH, FUCK, YOUR TIME’S UP! DO YOU WANT MORE TIME? WE’LL GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR A FUTURE PURCHASE IF YOU BUY THIS DOG BED THAT IS ACTUALLY SMALLER THAN YOU THINK!! OH, SHIT! THIS ITEM IS ALMOST SOLD OUT! EVERYTHING WE HAVE IS ALMOST SOLD OUT!! BUY SOMETHING!! BUY THIS THING FOR $1.98 AND WE’LL GIVE YOU 100% OFF AS LONG AS YOU BUY THIS NEXT THING!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD IN THIS WORLD, WILL YOU PLEASE BUY THESE GLOW IN THE DARK SOCKS!!! FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T BUY SOMETHING RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!”
If you don’t have the app, you think I’m exaggerating. But as the kids say, IYKYK.
A co-worker of mine bought a dress from Temu. It actually was a very pretty dress and I never would have guessed it came from there. (let’s forget for now that 23 kids in a sweatshop probably made it.) However, when I was browsing men’s clothing, I didn’t see a single item that looked like it would be worn by anyone other than a total douchebag. Temu should have called it the Date Rape Collection. Let’s take a look at a few items.
Oh, so this is “Causal.” Is there a “Formal” version of this I can wear when I go to a wedding or city council meeting? I almost want to buy this and wear it to work just to see the bewilderment on my co-workers’ faces.
Breakproof? These shitty Wolverine rip-off claws would break just being put into a shipping box. Also, they are not “realistic.” I’ve never seen a wolf with claws like this.
Ok, the prelim bouts are over, let’s get to the main event. What is the item that was so stupid that it compelled me to download the Temu app? Here it is. (btw, it’s currently on display on my desk at work and the following picture is now my profile pic on my company’s G-Chat.)
Yes, it’s cheaply made. Yes, it didn’t cost me much. Yes, it is incredibly fucking ridiculous. But you gotta admit, William and Manny Fingerhut couldn’t come up with something this dumb on their best day.
Postscript: I recently attended a wrestling show put on by a local promotion. (years ago I was a wrestling announcer/producer. I’m sure I’ll get to some of those stories on here at some point.) There was a women’s wrestling match and one stocky blond combatant came to the ring wearing THIS EXACT GODDAMN HAT!! As I sat there waiting for two women to simulate beating the shit out of each other, all I could think about was “I know where you got that hat! You got it from Temu!”