David Jett Explains Niche Porn
Don't read this at work.
The most famous hardcore sex film is most assuredly Deep Throat, the 1972 film starring Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems. Not only was it used as the punchline for every Johnny Carson joke involving porn, but its title was also used as a pseudonym by journalists Woodward and Bernstein’s secret informant dealing with the Watergate break in. The movie has a ridiculous plot that most people, even those that have actually seen it, are not aware of. Linda Lovelace plays a woman who can’t orgasm. She seeks the advice of a doctor who discovers that her clitoris is in her throat, thus sending her on a dick sucking rampage. The clitoris in her throat part is such wacky science-fiction. It’s like saying her nose is located in her colon.
Years later, when I was in college, I served two semesters as the Speakers Chairman for the Student Activities Council, which meant I had a big hand in who was booked to speak at the university. Agents sent me tons of promotional material and called on a weekly basis trying to get their speakers booked. I remember talking to one agent who wanted us to book born-again Christian Linda Lovelace and still-porn star Harry Reems, who were travelling the college circuit having debates on the merits and/or evils of porn. (We didn’t book them. We did, however, book Don Knotts. He was a huge hit on campus.)
When I was college age, there were no smart phones or internet. If you were a teenager and wanted to see a woman naked, you either had to put in the work in person or hope you stumbled upon your uncle’s stash of nudie mags. Today, anyone on the planet can pick up their phone and see all the naked people they want. Having sex. For free. It truly is a wonderful time to be alive.
Porn has gotten so accessible that now a person can have the wackiest sexual fantasy and there’s probably an entire genre of porn dedicated to it. There are women on OnlyFans stacking money to the moon by only showing pictures of their feet. And there’s a more specific version of that called “Pedal Pumping” in which women take pics or vids that are closeups of their feet, in various open-toed shoes, pressing down on a car’s gas pedal.
I’m not addicted to porn anymore than your average guy, but…hold on, does that mean I’m addicted to porn? Let’s not run those numbers. But I have, indeed, seen porn. And if you’re on a site like PornHub or XHamster, you don’t have to spend much time there to see that some people are into what I call Niche Porn.
FAMILY FUN PORN: or as most people like to call it, incest. There are tons of videos where a son wants to do his mom, or his mom seduces him, or a brother is nervous about having sex for the first time, so his sister decides the best way to teach him is to fuck him like a porn star. Young women like to boink their grandpa. Often, there’s a wild aunt who will fuck any and all of her sister’s offspring. “oh, Aunt Holly, what are you doing? Aunt Holly, your hand shouldn’t be there! Aunt Holly, quick question: do you swallow or would you rather I ejaculate on your boobs?” Of course, it’s assumed that these porn vids are staged and involve no actual family members. But it makes me think about how many sons are out there wanting to do their own mom. If there were some of this going on, you might imagine that the mom is super hot, however, according to these videos, that’s apparently not a prerequisite.
STUCK PORN: I don’t even know if that is what it’s called. But here’s the scenario, and it’s often an offshoot of Family Fun Porn: let’s say you’re a mom and you’ve taken off your wedding ring, and it’s fallen into the couch cushions. (stay with me, I swear this in an actual thing) You bend over and reach your hand in-between the couch cushions, but your hand gets stuck there. There you are, bent over on your knees with your ass in the air and a hand stuck down the couch. Well, wouldn’t you know, here comes your horny son. He sees that cake all up in the air and can’t help but pull your Lululemon yoga pants down to look at your bare ass. Then he pulls out his wang dang doodle and starts going to town, first on it, and then on you. Maybe it's not a couch, maybe you get your arm stuck down a toilet as you’re cleaning it. Maybe you stick your head under a chair to see how dirty the carpet is, and then someone comes along and takes advantage with the nonchalant manner of someone picking up a quarter they found on the sidewalk.
Are there a lot of women getting stuck in things like Pooh Bear in the honey jar? And if you bang a stuck woman, how is this not rape? Is the stuck mom just thinking, “oh, I got stuck. This is on me. Might as well enjoy it.” At some point, does one of these accident prone, porn versions of I Love Lucy say, “son, I’m sure you have a wonderful penis and I would be more than willing to go batshit crazy on it, but first, if you wouldn’t mind, how’s about GETTING ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING COUCH!!”
PARODY PORN: I guess this is for when you’re really horny but also need a good laugh. Maybe you’re a big fan of Breaking Bad, but as you’re watching one of the greatest tv shows of all time, you think “this would be much better if they were all fucking each other.” (there is a Breaking Bad porn parody called Being Bad.) There have been porn parodies of Game of Thrones (which is almost redundant,) Downton Abbey, Modern Family, Walking Dead, and even Scrubs. The producers used to be clever with their titles such as Diddle-Her On The Roof, Edward Penishands, and Forrest Hump. Now, they just name these videos the actual name of the show with “a XXX parody” tacked onto the end. Where is the creativity in that?
One time I ran across a porn parody of Gilligan’s Island. Ok, we all wanted to bone Ginger and MaryAnn, but does anyone really want to see Gilligan and the Skipper do it?
AMATEUR PORN: When porn movies first came along, the higher the production, the better. They wanted to seem legit. Then things shifted. People began to grow tired of big, fake breasts and ridiculously long dongs and wanted to see what regular people looked like having sex.
Here’s the thing, a guy will look at almost any woman if she’s naked. But if you give him the choice of seeing only one woman naked, and the choices were the most beautiful woman on the planet, but he’s never seen her before and doesn’t know who she is, or the average looking woman who works a few desks over from him, guess which one he’s going to pick. There’s an added bit of excitement in seeing someone you know naked. Obviously, if you are really attracted to a person, you will try to connect with them, maybe date them, and eventually see them naked. If it’s someone you really don’t want to date or have sex with, or it’s a married friend, it’s highly unlikely that you will ever see them naked. That’s why catching an accidental down-blouse in real life is such a thrill. You’re seeing something you’re not supposed to see. And that’s the idea behind amateur porn.
I was walking my dog around the neighborhood one time (she was a Basenji, really cool, and left us many years back) A cute mom had just pulled into her drive with the groceries. She noticed my Basenji and came over as it turns out she once owned one. She bent over to pet my little girl, and this lady wasn’t wearing a bra. When she bent down, I got the down-blouse of all down-blouses. I saw full boob. I’m positive I didn’t hear a word she said until she stood back up.
There’s an amateur site that’s kind of like Facebook for people who want to post naked pictures of themselves. It’s called FetLife and it started as a social networking site for people into S&M. It evolved into a community of people with any kind of kink, even if that kink was just being an exhibitionist. It was launched in 2008 by a software engineer from Montreal (kinky Canadians!) and originally had the name “Friends With Fetishes” with sounds like the game app Words With Friends except not boring.
I forget how I learned about the site, but however it happened, I checked it out. People have profiles, pics, videos. There are groups you can join based on your kinks or where you live. And when I was looking at the group for the city I live in, I saw two women I knew. Naked. One was a long-time friend of my brother’s. I had known her first through him and then seeing her out at concerts and such. Here she was, naked. Not only topless shots, but close-ups of large dicks going into her hoo-ha.
And then I saw a profile from a gal that worked at the same company as me. (it’s my current place of employment, but she left for another job last year.) She was always telling inappropriate stories about her life at work, so this didn’t surprise me. (such as the time she gave a guy a blow job in exchange for a Frosty at Wendy’s) She, like the first acquaintance I saw, had full nude pics and some interesting videos of a thick dude pounding the shit of her from behind.
I also saw a profile from a cute, 40-ish woman who lived in my town. She had some fake name (as everyone on there does) like Cougar5150 or something. Lots of nude shots. This gal wasn’t shy on here. And then I saw a pic of her legs and feet propped up on her desk when she was working from home one day. The picture showed the bottom part of her computer screen, and I was like “surely she isn’t dumb enough to show her email signature in this pic?” She was. It was blurry, but I could make out her full, real name. And since I banked there, I recognized the Truist logo. I googled her name and Truist, and sure enough, her LinkedIn page popped up with her job title and location. I, of course, didn’t do anything with that information, but it’s another example of people posting stuff on-line and giving away too much information that could be exploited by bad actors. Although maybe it would be ok it I went to her branch and waited for her to get stuck bent over in a chair trying to retrieve a lost bank pen.
When I was young, my first long-term girlfriend and I tried our hand at amateur porn. Just for us. I’ve had many jobs as a video producer/editor/videographer. Even before I worked in the field, I made home movies and then tv shows for our local public access tv station. I had checked out the video camera to shoot some stuff one weekend. I was hanging out with my gal and we both realized I had the camera with me. We decided to tape ourselves fucking. We got turned on by the idea, but when we watched the tape, we realized that no one ever should watch a video of themselves having sex. That’s not doing anyone any good. Plus, me being me, I couldn’t forget the camera was there while we were going at it, so a lot of the video is me doing something to her with one hand while my other hand is pulling the sheet up over my ass so I was seen as little as possible. That tape didn’t last a week before we both decided to erase it. I guess it’s a lost classic, like the Jerry Lewis movie The Day The Clown Cried.
WRESTLING PORN: This is like if WWE or the UFC had mixed gender matches that resulted in sex. Let me ‘splain it to you. There’s a large wrestling mat. There’s a referee. And then two combatants, one male, one female who tussle mildly while trying to rip off each other’s wrestling tights and/or bikinis. If the guy gets the woman’s top off, he tries to pin down her arms so he can suck on her hooters. Maybe the woman gets the beefy dude trapped in a leg scissors and forces him to…ok, I’m not going to describe the whole thing. The winner gets to have his/her way with the other person. I haven’t the Foggiest Leghorn how they keep score, but it seems there are no losers. There’s also a related genre where a mom in yoga pants starts wrestling with her son and that leads to banging each other.
What you learn from porn, especially niche porn, is that any and everything leads to immediate sex. Sitting next to your mom, getting stuck in a couch cushion, having a wrestling match, being in a zombie apocalypse.
My first living-alone experience when I moved out of my parents’ house was a studio apartment in a midtown high-rise apartment building. Since it was a studio, my bed was a foldout couch. My girlfriend at the time came over and we were getting freaky. I guess the couch/bed was old or we were just really going to town because at one point, the middle support bar of the thing collapsed and the entire couch/bed folded up into a V and we were trapped, mid-coitus, in the goddamn thing. It made us laugh hysterically, and we managed to get out. But when I think about it now, we did the whole thing wrong. She’s supposed to get stuck in the couch first and then we have sex. Live and learn.
This is a superbly written article. Humor and honesty, a joy to read.