David Jett Explains Jukeboxes
Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.
Playing the jukebox at a bar is an artform. It’s not about just playing your favorite songs with no regard for anyone else in the bar. Unless you’re the only person in the bar, and even then, you still have the poor bartender to consider, and you probably shouldn’t subject her to three hours of Tool. Playing the jukebox is 100% about fun. Making the bar more fun, encouraging the patrons to have more fun. Have I mentioned fun?
What is fun for one crowd might not be so fun for another group of drinkers. If you are at a bar in the afternoon or early evening, and most people there possibly qualify for AARP, you don’t want to play a whole set of Swedish death metal. Conversely, if you are there at 1AM, you shouldn’t be playing Natalie Merchant (the solo stuff. You might get away with 10,000 Maniacs.) I’ll have more jukebox tips for you in a bit.
Jukeboxes first became popular in the 1950’s at malt shops and drive-in diners. They housed actual physical records, 45’s to be specific. You walked up, put in your quarters, and played some tunes. The name comes from juke joints, which were little dive bars where people went to eat, drink and dance. A jukebox is a juke joint in a box, kind of like pizza in a cup. When I first started going to bars in my 20’s, jukeboxes were mostly the same as those in the 50’s. (I could go into the invention of the jukebox but the story is dull and would be like playing Nick Drake in a crowded bar.) Once digital music and the internet came along, jukeboxes were touchscreen music streaming devices. And each brand has its own app so you can purchase credits and select your music on your phone without ever leaving your bar stool. This came in handy if you are playing something that might anger people or embarrass you. With the app, you can play your Taylor Swift and no one has to know it was you. The app can also access the jukebox from several miles away. So you could play something stupid and not even be in the bar. Or you could do what I did at a bar once. I played Also Sprach Zarathustra (the classical piece from the movie 2001, A Space Odyssey, but better known as Ric Flair’s entrance music) from my car in the parking lot. From the app I could see when my song was going to play. And when it came on, I made my grand entrance complete with theme song.
I was with some friends at a bar we frequented in the downtown area. It was directly across the street from a large concert venue. We were having burgers and some drinks when I noticed people filling up the bar and they all looked relatively the same. Skinny dudes with unwashed clothes, unwashed hair and lots of scraggly, unkempt beards, or as close to a beard as they could grow. I was all “wtf?” and then I remembered: there was a Phish concert happening in the venue across the street that night. It was an invasion of damned dirty hippies! The jukebox there had a little trick that only the bartenders and waitresses knew (and a waitress had told me.) You could put in one quarter, do this little trick, and get 10 songs. I did the deal, and I thought to myself “what could I play that would annoy the fuck out of Phish fans?” I decided hair metal was the answer. So I loaded up the jukebox with Poison, Guns N Roses, KISS, etc. Needless to say, they all hated it and you could tell. And I wasn’t worried about pissing off a whole bar of Phish fans as I felt I could probably beat the shit out of any of them. It wasn’t like I was trying to piss off frat boys or Hell’s Angels.
Speaking of hair metal, Ain’t Nothing But A Good Time is a documentary series currently available on Paramount+. It covers the rise and fall and debauchery of 80’s hair metal. One of the people interviewed was a Los Angeles radio DJ with the name Full Metal Jackie, and that might be the greatest dj name in the history of music.
Side note: Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt (one of the best guitarists on the planet) is one of the few musicians that doesn’t come across as what you would think hair metal bands would be like. Meaning he didn’t sound dumb. Actually, he sounded quite intelligent and came off the best out of all of them.)
And now, just because it’s a great fucking rock song, here is Swollen Princess from Nuno’s solo album.
Before jukeboxes were digital, a bar lived and died on what limited amount of records the bar owner put in there. You had access to maybe around 30 to 50 songs, not 10,000. Occasionally I would stop in a particular dive bar that also happened to be a lesbian bar. The first thing I did, after I got a drink of course, was play the jukebox. It had some good stuff on there including Patsy Cline. And all the records were definitely geared toward lesbians. And when one of the songs I played came on…it was I Touch Myself by The Divinyls. And the women in that place rose and came to life like it was the National Anthem. And in that bar, maybe it was.
There’s a place my friends and I hung out at a lot back in the day. It was a decently large bar/restaurant and by restaurant, I mean burgers, wings, cheese sticks and such. Bar food. Maybe a Monte Cristo sandwich. It was in the artsy mid-town area of the city so it was frequented by neighborhood residents which sometimes included families. If you came in during the day, you might see parents with their kids. However, at night, it was a BAR. No kids. There was loud music from the jukebox and often loud music from loud bands. One Saturday night we got there around 9:30. There were several tables pulled together to host around 15 kids. KIDS!! IN MY BAR!!! Seems it was a little league softball team. After the game, their shit for brains parents took them to a bar. If it had been earlier in the night, well, I wouldn’t have liked it but I would have understood it and put up with it. But 10:30 rolls around and these kids were still there just hanging out and making kid noises. I finally had enough. So, I went to the jukebox and played the longest string of profanity laden songs I could find. The dirtier the better. The parents decided maybe it was time to wrap things up before their kids learned that Trina’s couchie was mad tight.
Professional wrestler/announcer Jerry “The King” Lawler has lived in Memphis, TN for most of his career. Around 2004, two Memphis police officers were arrested for planning a robbery of Lawler’s house. At the time Lawler lived in a nice but modest home. Modest because he really didn’t like to spend money except on comic book and Coca-Cola memorabilia. (He didn’t live in a mansion, but he owned a fully functional Batmobile.) The officers knew the layout of his house and were planning on stealing $200,000 in cash that Lawler supposedly kept in his vintage Coca-Cola jukebox. They may have gotten this info from one of the officer’s accomplices, a young woman name April Veach. Lawler said “This young lady is someone I knew two years ago.” I take that to mean that he once fucked her. Lawler also stated to a reporter, "I would certainly want people to know I do not have 200 thousand dollars in my house.” Well, not anymore.
One afternoon I was at my favorite dive bar. It was me, the bartender, and a handful of older women out for a few drinks and to watch Jeopardy on the bar tv. After the game show, I played some tunes on the jukebox. I kept it to things the women in there would like. Or at least not hate. Then a group of around eight rockers came in. Turns out it was the symphonic metal band Sacred Symphony who were playing a show next door later that night. They came in for some bar food and shots. Maybe an Irish coffee. There were band members, maybe some of the crew. I shifted my jukebox selections to accommodate them. Mostly, I wanted to see if what I played would get a reaction out of any of them, which is a fun game to play. It’s kind of like “I bet I know what would get this person grooving.” One of the crew members was bopping his head to an AC/DC track I put on. There was some Ramones. The main band members were these two:
You might incorrectly think that a metal band only likes other metal tunes. What got this guy moving turned out to be an Oasis track. What got her moving was Groove Is In The Heart, cause when it comes down to it, even a metal chick really just wants to dance.
Here are some tips to successfully playing the jukebox:
Playing music on the jukebox is the easiest way to turn up the energy in a bar, assuming you know how to do it correctly. And the easiest way to turn up the energy in a bar is to aim your selections at the women. If you get drunk women dancing and having a good time, the guys will follow. (You don’t need to worry about men unless they are the only ones in there.)
Don’t play anything that makes people want to commit suicide. Seems obvious but you wouldn’t believe what I’ve heard some sad bastards play. Don’t play a lot of slow songs. Don’t play a lot of depressing songs. People come to a bar to have fun and be entertained. If they wanted to be sad, they could stay at home eating a Lean Cuisine and contemplating how often a week they should change their underwear.
Don’t play all the same kind of music, and especially not all the same band. Just because you’re some geezer who is old enough to know a lot of 70’s music, that doesn’t mean that’s the only decade that you should represent. Play some rock, play some soul, play some dance. Crawl up to the 80’s and play some new wave. Play some 90’s alternative. And do one thing most people playing the jukebox never seem to do: play some current stuff. For the love of all that is good in this world, if you play James Taylor one more fucking time, I’m bashing a guitar over your head. Also, if you play something by the great Warron Zevon, it better the hell not be Werewolves of London. He had a shit ton of other great songs. Pick another. In fact…
Try to sometimes play a song by an artist which is known, but not the most well-known. This trick will get you some music cred in the bar. If you play Outkast, don’t play Hey Ya, play Bombs Over Bagdad. If you play Tom Petty, don’t play Free Falling, play Even The Losers. If you play Europe, well, you kinda have to play Final Countdown.
Music should have a progression. If someone else has played a song, try to play a song that transitions from that song to the one you really want to play. A jukebox is crowdsourcing dj’ing so you want to work well with your team. Unless some jackass is playing Steely Dan, then you just gotta bulldoze into some better tunes immediately. Jukebox apps have a feature where you can pay extra to skip songs someone else has put in and play your song next. I rarely use this. It’s an insult to the person whose song you have skipped. Unless someone has played a lot of songs and you and your friends really only want to hear one song. It’s ok to skip in that case. It’s also ok to put your songs in front of someone else’s paid for tunes if that person had played some really fucking awful shit. Then it’s kind of your duty.
If you don’t have any clue how to play a jukebox, don’t play more than one or two songs. Leave the real work to the professionals. Let me give you an example of a good song progression on a jukebox. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of other progressions and song choices. But this is a good one. It eases people into the music and then slowly shifts into getting the women at the bar dancing.
1. Jackie Wilson, Lonely Teardrops
2. Rolling Stones, Tumbling Dice
3. Billy Idol, Dancing With Myself
4. Any song by The Ramones
5. INXS, New Sensation
6. Deee-Lite, Groove Is In The Heart
7. Taylor Swift, Shake If Off
8. Bruno Mars, Uptown Funk
9. Bell Biv Devoe, Poison
10. Rancid, Ruby Soho
Remember, playing the jukebox is an artform, not a right. It’s a privilege. You have chosen to entertain friends and strangers through your selection of music. Choose your music wisely.
BONUS CONTENT!! YAY!!
Here are three songs about jukeboxes.
and my favorite because of how 80’s wacky it is…