David Jett Explains How To Tell If A Book Is Good
It was the best of tomes, it was the worst of tomes.
“As he surveyed the damage done to the Oval Office, Austin Jeffries knew it was a mistake for his mother to buy him three hookers and a fully-armed drone.”
Now that’s an opening line!
A recent discussion with former bookstore employees included the topic: opening lines in novels. I'm of the belief that the first line in a book should immediately grab your attention and/or set the tone. One bookseller in the conversation mentioned that he knew of a editor who, when he received manuscripts in an envelope, would pull out the first page just enough to read the first sentence. If he liked it, he moved on to the second. If he didn't...page back in envelope, envelope right on the "no" stack.
I thought it would be entertaining to look at the opening lines of famous novels to see how they stack up. And to make fun of them, obviously.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” - A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens.
Most people think that’s the opening line. However, the sentence goes on for about another gazillion words or so. It may have been the world's first run-on sentence. But let's consider the shortened version. Great opening line. It's pithy, has rhythm, and sets the tone for the book. Simple, yet elegant. If you leave off the rest of the sentence. Here’s the full version: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way..." Now that’s just explaining the joke, so to speak. We get it. It’s like Dickens thought his readers were too dumb to understand the dichotomy of the short version and then had to explain it a dozen times like your boss does to your dim co-worker. “Are you sure you’ve got this? Let’s run through it again.”
“Call me Ishmael.” – Moby Dick, Herman Melville
What a completely stupid opening line. Who is Ishmael? Do I know him? No. Do I want to know him? Not yet. Do we even need to go into what a ridiculous name Ishmael is? I contend that "Moby Dick" is a badly written waste of time. Yes, based on the opening line. Well, also because it is badly written and a waste of time.
“In the weeks before their departure to Arrakis, when all the final scurrying about had reached a nearly unbearable frenzy, an old crone came to visit the mother of the boy, Paul.” Dune, Frank Herbert
There are quotes at the head of chapters, but I’m considering this to be the first line of the story proper. And as such, this is complete nonsense, and I'll tell you why. It's the word "Arrakis." Here's the rule: you can't have made-up bullshit in your first sentence. Yeah, that's my rule. Your novel can have spaceships, time-travel, vampires, zombies, giant worms, and unicorns. But can I at least get one damn sentence in before you start going all Game of Thrones? So, this opening line sucks by default. What happens when you take out the reference to Tatooine or whatever? You get some old lady coming to visit the mother of some guy named Paul. Some or all of them may be packing to leave. This could very well be the opening line to At Home In Mitford. Speaking of…
“He left the coffee-scented warmth of the Main Street Grill and stood for a moment under the green awning.” – At Home In Mitford, Jan Karon.
Absolute brilliance. I'm still never reading this book, but I'm not the target audience. Your mom or grandmother is. And this will hook them. Just look at all the comforting images in there. Coffee, scents, Main Street, an old-fashioned grill, and a green awning. Small town life. The second line has the phrase "early mountain spring." If assisted care living facilities started out their brochures this way, your folks would beg you to put them in a home.
Many years ago, I worked at a bookstore. An elderly lady asked to be taken to the Mitford section. (there’s an entire series of these gentle, slice of life stories.) She asked me if I had read any. The Mitford books were totally her thing, but in no way mine. I told her I hadn’t, and then I started messing with her a bit. I asked if anyone got murdered in some gruesome way in the books. She thought for a second and said, “a dog gets run over.”
Let's revisit my "no made-up bullshit" rule. How about a great novel that had all kinds of made-up language.
"What's it going to be then, eh?" – A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess
Great opening line. Even more so if you saw the film before you read the book (which is cheating, I know.) Right off the bat you get what seems like either a veiled threat or the promise of trouble. Within the next two sentences we get made-up bullshit like "droogs" and "Korova Milkbar." Followed in short order by "moloko," "veshches," and "mozg." But that's fine. Burgess was smart enough to know not to put any of that gibberish in the first sentence. Cheers!
“In my native town of Salem, at the head of what, half a century ago, in the days of Old King Derby, was a bustling wharf,--but which is now burdened with decayed wooden warehouses, and exhibits few or no symptoms of commercial life; except perhaps, a bark or brig, half-way down its melancholy length, discharging hides; or, nearer at hand...” – The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne.
This novel has a long introductory thingee and it's hard to tell where it ends and the actual story begins. I’m making a guess. And that’s not even the entire sentence. I lost interest in typing it. Holy fuck, what a wordy piece of uselessness! Any teacher who forces you to read this book at a young (or old) age, should have an "A" plastered to themselves. The "A" in this case, of course, would stand for "asshole." Full disclosure: I have read this book. I was forced to in school. I thought it was rubbish. Another similar forced read which I did like was Wuthering Heights. Let's put that to the test.
“I have just returned from a visit to my landlord-the solitary neighbor that I shall be troubled with.” – Wurthering Heights, Emily Bronte.
Not bad, I suppose. And either way, at least we got a great Kate Bush song out of the whole deal.
“Who am I?” – The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks
Apparently "Call me Ishmael" was taken. If I had been that editor my friend knew, I would have immediately shoved this nonsense back into the envelope and marked it “Anthrax.”
“Foley had never seen a prison where you could walk right up to the fence without getting shot.” – Out of Sight, Elmore Leonard
Brilliant. One simple sentence and you learn so much. There's even the mention of potential violence. Elmore is a genius.
“When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow.” – To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee.
Eh. If I didn't already know that this was a classic, I might not read it based on that piss poor opening sentence. After this novel, Harper Lee didn’t write another one until decades later. And it was based on a different draft of this one. Maybe Harper should have tried to write a third novel that had a decent opening sentence.
“The senior partner studied the resume for the hundredth time and again he found nothing he disliked about Mitchell Y. McDeere, at least not on paper.” - The Firm, John Grisham.
John Grisham has good ideas and plot points. I think his prose is clumsy at best. Fucking annoying at worst. That's why I would rather watch a film based on his books than to have to read his books. (I tried once. Lasted about 5 pages.) However, this opening line is not bad. Except I have to move it to the "suck" pile based on the fact that he wrote "Mitchell Y. McDeere" and not just "Mitchell McDeere." That "Y" gets on my nerves. I know why he put it in there (well, I'm assuming.) A partner is going over a resume. He's looking at the name on the resume which has the initial "Y." He's really studying every part of this resume. It shows an attention to every detail. Except no one, and I mean NO ONE who looks at a resume pays any attention to a middle initial. A middle name, maybe. But a middle initial, no. Not even lawyers who work for the mafia.
“Renowned curator Jacques Sauniere staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum’s Grand Gallery.” – The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown.
"Renowned?" How many museum curators do you know by name unless you are related to one? Zero. False premise horseshit, a phrase that could adequately describe the rest of the book.
To finish this up, I'm picking something ridiculous. It's not a novel, but here we go:
“Today, I consider it my good fortune that Fate designated Braunau on the Inn as the place of my birth.” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler.
Leave it to this deluded, racist, egotistical asshole to suggest that there was some divine plan to anything he ended up doing. Based on that opening line, I’m not reading this. Also, cause Nazi shit.
Oh, and that quoted line at the top of this essay…I made that up. Although if that were the actual first line of a real book, I might read it. Can’t go wrong with hookers in the White House.